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It’s Time To Dig the Dirt Out Of Our Libraries

Peter Smagorinsky

These are critical times for the children and youth of our nation. Thank Heaven that we have a squad of sharp-eyed citizens who are on the lookout for corrupting influences. Among their greatest contributions to society has been their scrubbing of pornography from our libraries and schools. The delicate sensibilities of children and youth are increasingly free from the threats to their souls that words present.

As is always the case, Florida has led the charge in restoring our purity of mind and manner. They have begun by eradicating from our libraries and classrooms our greatest and most present danger: books about gay people and people with dangerously dark skin. 

With these most execrable of books removed, it’s time to zero in on what only the most discerning of eyes can detect. To this point, our hard-working vigilantes have wisely removed such offensive and disgusting texts as the Merriam-Webster Dictionary from libraries to prevent the spread of filth that follows from defining words that refer to body parts and their functions. This movement has now broadened to banish additional dictionaries with their obscene terms, and a slew of encyclopedias that have corrupted our children with their erotic propaganda.

We are on our way to making America great again. But have we gone far enough?

I would like to propose some additional materials that should comprise the next wave of book bans. The first to go should be gardening magazines and books, the most subtly menacing of volumes to be found anywhere. 

Let’s start with their seemingly harmless pronunciation guides. To some, these innocuous listings simply tell people how to pronounce biological names of plants. According to my careful analysis, however, these guides instead provide an insidious way of implanting corrupt thoughts and encouraging immoral behavior in our children. 

Here, for instance, are some of the terms and their pronunciations that I have found in materials somehow overlooked by our guardians of decency:

Diascia (dy-ASS-see-ah)

Mahonia (ma-HO-nee-ah)

Ajuga (ah-JEW-gah)

What would happen if a child were to come across these sinister guides, lured in by the enticing prospect of pronouncing words correctly? To what degree are our libraries grooming an uncouth generation of degenerates and predators by including gardening books and magazines?

Might children begin to refer to an unmentionable human body part through such a vile vulgarity? Might they be enticed into a life of sluttiness by speaking the name of a shrub whose name is bad enough, but whose cultivar, the Leatherleaf Mahonia, might promote sadomasochism? Might our innocent children join the forces of World Domination by speaking the name of a dark and devious groundcover, a plot we’ve known about since the publication of the Protocols of the Learned Elderberries of Zion? And is it just a coincidence that the flower known as ‘Zion Plum’ is an Osteospermum? I’m just asking.

Any fool can see the horrors wrought upon our nation by gardening books and magazines. Once the abominations appearing on their pages have been read, they can’t be unread. 

And it’s not just plant pronunciation guides. Perverts have been naming plants for years. Imagine that your child innocently takes a gardening book off the shelf, and reads these names:

Botryotinia fuckeliana

Family Jewels Milkweed

Narcissus assoanus

Nipplewort

Penis passion fruit (Passiflora quadrangularis ‘Erotica’)

Pinus Rigida

Shagbark 

Shaggy soldier 

Sticky willie 

Stiffcock 

Stinking willie (Trillium erectum)

Well, at least there’s a Virgin Thistle. But some of these books also include some pretty filthy animal names:

Arses insularis

Bluefooted booby

Bugeranus

Cock-of-the-Rock

Dicksissle

Fartulum

Hellbender

Robin redbreast

Rough-faced shag

Satanic goatsucker

Tufted titmouse

Turdus maximus

Woodcock

Wunderpus

If impressionable children come across these names, next thing you know they’ll be asking for a litter box for their school bathroom in which to deposit their Turdus maximus. I can hear the sky falling just thinking about it.

Many of these volumes have extensive sections on sexual and asexual plant propagation. It’s only a short hop from there to obscene human sexuality, which our children must never learn about. And what is this “asexual” propagation? Why isn’t it called abstinence propagation? How treacherous can these gardening magazine editors possibly be?

One gardening book I inspected actually recommended that we install a bust for people to stare at. And then, to put it next to a bush. That sounds like a Trojan Horse to me. Some even refer to snakes, and we know what that’s really all about. And what’s with all this about birds and bees? Sounds pretty salacious to me.

It’s time to get our collective head out of the depths of our Arses insularis. The best place to start is in the school and public libraries, and in classrooms where radicalized Marxist teachers are turning our students gay. I’m reminded of the sly British thinker Horace Walpole, who said that he understands “diversity to proceed partly from our climate, partly from our government: the first is changeable, and makes us queer; the latter permits our queerness to operate as they please.” 

Here we get the whole liberal plot to promote reading: DEI, climate change, and the gay lifestyle agenda. All because of books and their infernal words, supported by the Deep State. Gardening books and magazines are now the greatest threat to our nation’s security. We must remove them from all public spaces immediately, lest we slip ever more fatefully toward societal extinction.