Chattanooga Choo Choo Jokes


A Chattanooga Choo Choo Joke is a genre in which the final line rhymes with "Pardon me, boy, is that the Chattanooga Choo Choo?" The original Choo Choo joke goes as follows. All others are inventions my friends and I came up with in the 1970s-1980s.

The Classic
In the 1800s, the famed frontiersmen Jim Bowie and Davie Crockett were out one day a-hunting and a-gathering, but mostly hunting. Jim Bowie was, on this fine day, wearing a brand new pair of rattleskin boots he had made from serpents he had killed and skinned himself. It was his favorite pair of boots, and a source of pride and joy.
Early in the hunt, Jim Bowie was attacked by a wildcat who ambushed him from behind a tree and, among other things, ripped, clawed, and gnawed the rattleskin boots to pieces. Deeply offended, Jim vowed revenge, and asked Davie Crocket to help him locate the ferocious feline for the final kill.
As they made their way through the thick forest, Davey Crocket spotted a wildcat in a tree. As a devoted conservationist, he did not want unnecessary death or environmental destruction. To make sure that this particular wildcat was the target of the hunt, he called to his friend, "Pardon me, Bowie. Is that the cat that chewed your new shoe?"

After the Insurrection | The Archbishop | Around the Campfire | Australia | The Basketball Player | The Birthday Surprise | The Boxer | The Burning River | George H.W. Bush | The Casanova | Cat on a Roof | The Chinese Restaurant | The Cow Uprising | The Dress | Fish Story | The Graduate Student | The Health Food Producer | The Irish Wedding | Luke Skywalker | The Nut Festival | Oh Suzanna! | The Parrot | The Priest's New Clothes | The Psychiatrist | Ramses' Sheep | Ricky Martin | The Rocket Launcher | Roy Rogers | Russian History | Russian Literature | Santa Claus | The School Band | The Scottish Rebellion | The Sick Dog | Star Trek | Wine Country

After the Insurrection

Well, it seems that on January 28, 2021, following the patriotic event where Congress was beseeched by strolling tourists in the halls of democracy to correct the fraudulent election results and declare President Trump the ruler of the land, House Speaker Kevin McCarthy, sensing that his leader was feeling deprived of his legacy and birthright, went to the real White House in Mara Lago to console the man cheated of his rightful office. Unfortunately, suffering from jet-lag, he got confused between office and orifice, and when his photo opportunity came up, was not sure where to signify his "thumbs up" to their devoted followers to assure them that a recount was soon to come, and that the true victor in the contest would be restored to his throne. However, McCarthy also became confused about which "throne" the rightful winner would occupy, and, well, haven't we all made that mistake? Meanwhile, the President himself was so disconcerted by the ways in which the election was stolen-or was it stollen?-that he required a good cleansing of all the bile in his great corporal being, to restore his energy and vigor, not to mention his good humor and kind disposition. Mr. McCarthy, inspired by a strange orange glow emanating from his messiah, found the solution to the nation's problems. He dipped his thumb in one of Melania's famous stollens, asked The Donald to sit on the throne, and inserted, with gusto, his confection-coated thumb into the orifice that was hiding amidst the various fleshly folds, informing the master that he was applying CPR (Certain Proctological Resuscitation). Upon experiencing the sudden sensation of McCarthy's backdoor entry, Hizzoner rejoined, given the massive proportions of the Speaker's thumb, and thinking that he was being penetrated by Fred Flintstone's club, "Pardon me, boy. Is that the yabba dabba doo doo?"

The Archbishop

As a young lad, Dez was known as a gossip, often spreading stories about his rivals and others, delivered with a sharply critical tone.
Many of the people from his neighborhood were amazed at how he went from town gossip to internationally revered moral leader. When his next-door neighbor learned that little Dez had become an Archbishop, he was astounded.
One day while sitting in a tavern with the TV on, he saw an image of the great man doing benevolent things. To make sure that the man on TV and his old neighborhood antagonist were one and the same, he turned to his childhood girlfriend on the next barstool, and asked, "Pardon me, Joy. Is that the catty Tutu you knew?"

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Around the Campfire

A man and his son were out camping, and enjoyed a wonderful dinner of beans and franks over the campfire. They proceeded to sit around the fire for the evening, telling stories and enjoying their reverie with nature.
Inevitably, the consequences of their menu choice caught up with them, and their storytelling became accompanied by a cheeky soundtrack. After one noisome air biscuit emanated from his son, the father became concerned that it might signal something more substantial than had been expelled to that point. To make sure that the emission had been ephemeral rather than corporeal, he inquired, "Pardon me, boy. Was that just flatulence, or poo poo?"

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Australia

An American businessman and his family moved to the company's corporate branch in Sydney, Australia. Expecting to find a rather bland cuisine based on the British meat and potatoes model, they were delighted to find a great variety of exotic meals on the menu, often based on the continent's unique flora and fauna.
One night they dined in a bistro famed for its unique preparation of native animalia. The family members each decided on different versions of the evening's special marsupial fare, with the father ordering a dish served in a unique blueberry sauce. Several bottles of wine later, the young waiter approached the table with several plates of food that, on the surface, appeared identical. Unable to determine which order was his, the man inquired, "Pardon me, boy. Is that the kangaroo au bleu jus?"

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The Basketball Player

Long before he became a Hall of Fame basketball player, a lad was the star of his pee-wee league. He was the biggest, baddest kid on the block, and his team was known far and wide. Over time he developed a reputation not only for his hoops prowess, but for being ill-mannered and annoying, especially when provoked.
For the championship game one year, the rowing team from a nearby prep school was invited as the guest of honor. They turned out to be less-than-gracious guests, however. Afflicted with affluenza, throughout the game they jeered, hissed, and shouted opprobrious insults to the teams, belying their good breeding and preppy appearance.
Finally, the future Famer got fed up with their negativity, charged toward them, and routed them from the building. Later, a reporter arrived to investigate this remarkable rejection. Unsure if the team's star had been the one who chased the offending visitors from the gym, he inquired of a teammate, "Pardon me, boy. Is Shaq the brat who shooed the boo crew?""

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The Birthday Surprise

A prominent athlete of high moral reputation had a sinful side that only his closest friends knew about. While praising the Lord in public and boasting of his virginity, behind the scenes, well, he was something else.
At one of his infamous private parties held for a friend's birthday, he arranged for ladies of the evening to entertain his guests. His guest of honor, who also had a reputation for clean living that belied his amorous passions, was presented with a pair of ladies for his night's adventure. His pleasure was too great to conceal, and he asked a companion who had provided him with such an abundance of delight. The man replied, "Tarts' on Tebow. The cat just knew you'd like to do two."

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The Boxer

After a career in which he mostly served as a punching bag for more skilled pugilists, a washed up South African fighter began his transition to post-fisticuffs life. He explored a number of employment opportunities, ultimately finding nothing that seized his passion.
His manager thought he was out of his mind when he declared that he had decided on his destiny: to become the finest chef in all of South Africa. He began working on a secret recipe for a wildebeest dish of a soupy nature, and entered a local cooking competition to premier his creation.
The day of the event, the manager strolled through the kitchen where contestants prepared their dishes. Spying a pot that appeared to contain wildebeest meat, but not sure if it belonged to his fighter, he asked a young man in the aisle, "Pardon me, boy. Is that the mad palooka's gnu stew?"

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The Burning River

The great city of Cleveland, Ohio, was famed for its river, which tended to catch fire. Seeking a cause for the infernal inferno, the city inspectors began to study the sludge that was being dumped into its flow.
The investigation found that among the main polluters was runoff from the elephant enclosure at the city's menagerie. The scientists were able to identify scats floating in the river that they believed might be the offending effluence. To make sure, one of them inquired of a boy in a hazmat suit canoeing down the river, "Pardon me, boy. Is that the Cuyahoga zoo spew?"

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George H. W. Bush

Feeling amped after the successful invasion to liberate St. Croix from the forces of evil, President Bush was brimming with confidence as he prepared for his press conference. Just as he was about to step to the podium, and aide approached with some urgent news.
It seems that just moments before, a story had broken reporting crucial information concerning then-VP Bush's role in the arms-for-hostages deal, a revelation that could have scandelous implications for his presidency.
His son, George W., felt the need to intercede. Tugging on his father's sleeve and cautioning him that "gotcha" questions might be forthcoming, he said, "Poppy, be coy. Iraq has shat some true deep doo-doo."

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The Casanova

It seems that a lady of high manners and aloof carriage joined a nudist colony, attracting the attention of the male members. She met their advances with a cool rejection, leading them to find her too haughty to condescent to their entreaties.
One decidedly rakish fellow was not deterred, however. He had seduced many of the women in the community, and decided to rise to the challenge. He romanced her endlessly, finally earning her affections and companionship.
Many were shocked by this development. They were aware of his reputation but amazed that he could penetrate her cold exterior. His conquest achieved legendary status, long after he'd dumped her for yet another young nudie. His rejection caused her to leave the colony altogether in grief and shame, returning to the vices of the outside world.
Years later, a man joined the colony and was taught the tribal lore. He learned of the casanova's status, and heard that he still resided in the colony. He went out to see if he could find this legendary character amidst the naked bodies surrounding him.
He soon happened upon an old, withered, and bearded fellow strolling with a much younger woman of stunning beauty. Thinking that this might be the notorious Lothario, he inquired of a nearby youth, "Pardon me, boy. Is that the cad that wooed the nude prude?"

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Cat on a Roof

It seems that the Goldberg family was out on a walk, and came across a sign saying "Free Kittens!" Little Moshe squealed with delight, and soon the family had a new pet. They named it after their favorite violin player, who like their own family, came from Tel Aviv.
At about the same time, the Goldberg house had undergone a renovation that included a new chimney. Father Saul was most proud of this feature, and showed it off to all who dropped by.
One day, Saul's gentile brother-in-law Leroy was visiting, and of course was treated to lengthy visit with the chimney. Suddenly, Moshe came running in with the news that the kitten had climbed onto the roof and couldn't get down.
Leroy stayed out while Saul ran in for tools and accessories. When he got to the living room, he saw the kitten coming down the chimney and into the fireplace. To relieve his relative of concern, he called out the door, "Pardon me, goy. Itzhak the cat came through the new flue."

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The Chinese Restaurant

A man went to a famous restaurant in Chinatown in search of an egg-based dish imbued with the fragrance of osmanthus flowers. He was especially interested in a variation that replaced pork with whale meat, and was cooked in a wok with blubber. Unfortunately, the restaurant had no menus in English, forcing him to rely on photographs to identify the various dishes. Thinking he might have found the item, but wanting to make sure before making his order, he inquired of a young lad wiping the tables, "Pardon me, boy. Is that the fat beluga Moo Shu?"

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The Cow Uprising

It seems that every so often, reality mimics fiction. The George Orwell story Animal Farm depicts the uprising of animals against the porcine Soviet leaders. More recently, the Glorious One atop Russian society learned of a similar rebellion being planned in the barns of the Motherland. Fearing that his rulership would fall to this bullish revolution, and aware that his credibility as a fearsome warrior had become diminished by his invasion of Ukraine, he determined a war plan that was sure to be a winner. He thus decided to deploy his nuclear arsenal against the bovine plotters and wipe them from the face of the earth. Aware that the Great One often used body doubles to foil potential assassins, a passerby spotted a figure resembling him, yet was uncertain as to his identity. Spotting a young fellow presumed to be among the dictatorial brood of out-of-wedlock children squired by the Bold and Terrible One, he inquired, "Pardon me, boy. Is that the Vlad who nuked the moo coup?"

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The Dress

A young Himalayan dancer was given a birthday present of a silk dress with poofy waist to wear during her ballet performances. She finished practice one day, and went out to spend some quality time with the animals who provided her family's ranch with food products.
She began to pet her favorite creature, stroking his heavy fur with her dainty hands. Unbeknownst to her, behind her back, the beast began to gnaw on her new dress, ultimately tearing it right down the seam, upon which it fell to the ground, leaving her in a partial state of exposure.
She ran into the house crying, telling her mother what had happened and inconsolable about the damage done to her garment. Her mother got the family shotgun out of the lockbox and headed out to take care of the wretched creature. She did not want to put the wrong animal to rest however. Seeing her Greek farmhand and believing he had witnessed the event, she called to him, "Pardon me, Troy. Is that the yak who hewed the tutu?"

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Fish Story

A large aquatic creature developed the remarkable ability to speak, and amazingly enough, spoke in the English Language. People would sail from around the world to try to catch a glimpse and perhaps engage it in conversation.
One group of sailors left the coast of Texas and navigated toward the waters where they believed the great beast might reside. The waters parted and up leaped a mighty sea-creature who, to the ear of one sailor, appeared to call out a greeting. Hoping for such a sighting, he turned to his fellow seafarer and said, "Pardner, Ahoy! Is that the chatty tuna yoo-hoo?"

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The Psychiatrist

A famous Viennese psychiatrist provided service to people from around Europe. One time, a Spanish man made an appointment to see if he could sort out some issues he was having with his mother.
The man related his life story, explaining how he had begun to doubt his own sanity over his ambivalent feelings toward his mother. The great doctor listened intently, probing for details and taking copious notes.
At the conclusion of the session, The psychiatrist began a long analysis of the man's condition, beginning with, "It zeems zat you've been viping ze kiester mit der left to right ztrokes" and elaborating the man's psychic condition as grounded in his anal and phallic regions.
The man soon became impatient, hoping for a more direct, less wordy explanation. Finally interrupting the analyst in midsentence in hopes of getting a precise understanding of his state of madness, he said, "Pardon me, Freud. Am I a tad, or mucho cuckoo?"

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The Graduate Student

It seems that the youthful graduate student had completed his dissertation, and was about to submit himself to the formality known as the "oral defense." He boned up on his research for weeks, losing sleep, ignoring his friends and loved ones, consuming vats of caffeinated caffeine, neglecting his job and loved ones, and twisting his mind and body into ineradicable knots. Finally, he was ready and prostrated himself before his committee for its final inspection and approval.
The hearing went as expected: The aspiring academician was grilled, sizzled, skewered, rotisseried, broiled, and broasted by all in attendance, including a custodian who had stopped by to empty the trash. Finally, the committee turned its attention to the dreaded numbers that the candidate was basing his theories upon.
One particular section, the most crucial part of the research, seemed confusing. The committee could not see how he was drawing his conclusions, based on the information in the tables. The young scholar looked vexed, certain that he had included every statistical possibility in the appendixes of his thesis. If his tests were not located, his whole project might go all for naught.
Suddenly, one of his professors came across a table that had gone overlooked up to that point. Sensing that this might be the elusive set of figures upon which the candidate was basing his conclusions, he said, "Pardon me, boy. Is that the data you allude to?"

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The Health Food Producer

It seems that a health food entrepreneur known for his dapper ways took inventory and determined that his product line was too bland to compete in a market in which more adventuresome competitors were spicing up their comestibles. To save his company from financial failure, he needed to create a product that would match his customers' demand for more invigorating fare.
He developed a bean curd dish heavily spiced with cayenne and ginger, and packaged it in a jaunty style consistent with his image. He supervised production personally, and when the product was ready for market, he summoned food critics for a preliminary taste test.
To shield the dish from being observed prior to its unveiling, he stationed a young sentry outside the room where it was being stored. The guard was approached by a reporter from High Fiber Digest who slyly inquired why he was standing outside this particular door.
The guard looked about, saw that nobody was observing, and replied, "Guardin' the soy. This vat's the phat tofu the dude brewed."

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The Irish Wedding

In Ireland, a wedding was arranged between a shape-shifting legend of local lore and a woman from New Orleans. It was the first cross-species wedding in many centuries, and for the occasion, the shape-shifter took on a human form.
The day of the great event, people came from all over the island to attend the nuptials. Following custom, the groom's and bride's families were assigned seats on different sides of the church's aisles. A relative from New Orleans arrived with little knowledge of the seating arrangements, and saw that there was a long seating line for one side but not the other. To make sure that he was seated properly, he pointed to the line and inquired of the young fellow ushering the event, "Pardon me, boy. Is that the yat's, or pooka's pew queue?"

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Luke Skywalker

It seems that long, long ago, in a galaxy far away, the young Jedi master Luke Skywalker began to have recurrent flirtations with his Dark Side. In one embarrassing incident, Skywalker was discussing the lucrative Ewok fur trade with a visiting dignitary. He suddently stood up, dropped his trousers, turned around, and exhibited himself for all to see.
Word of this cheeky display quickly spread, and tongues began wagging. The precise identity of the offended official was unclear, however. R2D2 and C-3PO were ambulating down a hallway when C-3PO spied a stranger with what appeared to be a shocked expression on his face. Thinking that this might be the one with a close encounter of the lurid kind, he inquired of his companion, "Pardon me, droid. Is that the chap that Luke was lewd to?"

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The Nut Festival

It seems that in the feudal society of France, it was the custom for each of the large land-owning families to host an annual event for the peons occupying its lands. Usually, such a great house would adopt a motif suitable to its quarter, such as wine or cheese.
One year, Monsieur Nu, of the House of Nu, decided to sponsor a nut-eating festival to introduce to the global nut economy a new legume he had developed as a cash crop. He spread word, and a great horde descended upon his estate to partake in the revelry.
One knight errant caught wind of this event and turned his steed toward what he believed to be Monsiour Nu's fiefdom. As he neared what he thought was the right destination, he espied a throng in the distance. Hoping that this might be the Nu estate, but not wanting to attend the wrong event, he inquired of a passing youth, "Pardon me, boy. Is that the Chateau Nu cashew chew?"

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Oh Suzanna!

The subject of the song "Oh Suzanna!" was on her way to Alabama with a banjo on her knee, when she mistakenly walked across native people's sacred burial grounds. A representative of the tribe entered upon a lengthy diatribe, excoriating her character and that of her extended family before sending an arrow through her banjo, which in turn pierced her heart and caused her death.
Her angry compatriots wanted revenge, and a scouting party went out looking for her killer. They came across a small band, but were uncertain which of the individuals might have been the one responsible for their friend's death. To clarify, they inquired of a passing youth who had witnessed the event, "Pardon me, boy. Is that the chatty Sioux who slew Sue?"

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The Parrot

A large parrot was especially proud of his prominent crest and ability to not only repeat what people said, but to invent his own phrasings. Through this unusual speech capability, he told his human companion that he wished for his extraordinary head mop to be as spectacular as possible. Toward that end, he requested a high end cleansing product that was guaranteed to enhance his natural coloring, while hiding his roots.
The product arrived, and the parrot applied it with anticipation, working it in and leaving the product in his crest for well beyond the recommended time period. Hours later, after rinsing, his hair not only had a blazing color, it had a new puffiness that seemed disproportionate to his breed's natural look. A neighbor dropped by and was startled by the appearance of the avian's head. Having heard about the new cleansing regimen, but uncertain if it might be the cause of the crest's shocking new look, he deftly pretended to inquire discretely about the weather, while in fact asking, "Pardon the ploy. Is that the cockatoo's shampoo 'do?"

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The Priest's New Clothes

A priest serving a pastoral community in California attended a retreat held in the great state of Hawaii. Abandoning his black cloak for the event, he went shopping and purchased a native costume. Seeking to show his new spirit, he selected a garment in a vivid pink-purple tone, a decided departure from his customary attire.
Later that day, one of his companions from his diocese saw a man in a brightly colored costume strolling along the beach. Thinking it might be his fellow Californian, but barely recognizing him in such outstanding garb, he inquired of the lad next to him, "Pardon me, boy. Is that the chaplain's fuschia muumuu?"

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Ramses' Sheep

The great Pharoah Ramses presided over an annual ritual in which a female sheep would be raised for slaughter to appease the god of lost wool socks. The chosen one would be fattened for the event and was kept in a secret pen where only its caretaker had access to it. Viewing the sheep before its sacrifice was considered a mortal sin
One year, just after the sheep was slaughtered, the annual search for its successor began. Candidates were brought in from throughout Egypt for inspection before the right one was identified. Since she would soon be sequestered, a crowd gathered for a glimpse before the fattening began.
A man and his son, both known to have a rebellious streak, stealthily crept about the grounds where they thought she might be kept in hopes of getting a glimpse. The father spotted a lamb he thought might be the next year's sacrifice. Tugging on his son's toga, he said, "Pardon me, boy. Is that the Pharoah's new taboo ewe?"

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Ricky Martin

The young Ricky Martin starred in a boy band in Puerto Rico. Their popularity was great, and people thronged to their shows.
During one concert, Ricky forgot the lyrics to a song. Instead of singing the words, he made up sounds that followed the original melody line. This technique became so popular that he began building it into future performances.
During one show he launched into a wordless singing exhibition that went so fast that bewildered fans lost track of what song they were hearing. To clarify, a woman in the audience turned to her son and asked, "Pardon me, boy. Is that the scat Menudo zoomed through?"

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The Rocket Launcher

In their war with Libya, the nation of Chad created a fighting unit whose primary weapon was a small and effective portable rocket launcher that gave the soldiers great mobility. The unit devised a secret signal, upon which they would assemble to rain down mayhem on their enemy.
After their training, the unit was ready to demonstrate their prowess to the top military brass. The officers emptied their prisons and placed the inmates strategically around a sparsely populated town to simulate the enemy and serve as targets. The unit was disguised as merchants whose rocket lauchers were hidden beneath their robes.
The military brass watched with interest. They had deliberately remained oblivious to the specific fighting methods of the unit so they could view the proceedings without knowing how the events would unfold. They stationed themselves atop the town's tallest building for the best vantage point of the forthcoming slaughter.
Suddenly the air was rent by a bellicose belch by one of the soldiers below. Startled by this eructation, and wondering if this might be the signal to commence firing, the commanding general turned to his aide and inquired, "Pardon me, boy. Is that the Chad bazooka crew cue?"

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Roy Rogers

Several times each summer, Roy Rogers and Dale Evans would jump on their horses, head out onto the range, and inspect the creatures that occupied their vast acreage. On one such occasion, the two had split up in order to inspect separate herds. As Roy approached his herd, they began to snort violently and took off over a hill.
Roy had never been spurned before by his beloved bovines, and was mystified by their hasty retreat. He summoned Dale, and asked her if she would ride over the hill and see if she could figure out what had caused their flight.
Dale rode to the top of the rise and spotted a herd. Yet, with their ranch being so large, and the herds so copious, she could not be certain if she had found the right one. To clarify, she called over to her husband, "Pardon me, Roy. Are those the cattle who eschewed you?"

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Russian History

The first decades of the 1900s were tumultuous in Tsarist Russia. A strange mystic became a spiritual mentor to Emperor Nicholas II and Empress Alexandra just as the monarchy was becoming increasingly unpopular. At a time of continual crisis, the national leaders were perceived to be under the spell of a wizard.
This relationship resulted in questions about the judgment of the royal family, leading a cabal in the royal court to plot the assassination of the purported holy man. Yet he learned of their plan, and armed himself with a set of pistols, which he hid throughout his robes.
The afternoon of the ambush came, and the holy man was ready. He tossed a pistol to each of several young attendants, and together they fought off the assassins.
Later, one of the ambushers saw a gun in the runny-sack of a young man. Suspecting that he might have been among the defenders of the mystic monk, he said, "Pardon me, boy. Is that the gat Rasputin threw you?"

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Russian Literature

The great Russian novelist was known for his persnickety ways during contract negotiations. On and on he would go about being behind in paying his bills, being affected by the borscht shortage, having nagging in-laws, and in general being persecuted by all the forces of nature and society.
Over time, the book publishers became accustomed to his endless complaints and the difficulty of negotiating with him. Upon the retirement of one of his longstanding editors, a new editor became involved in the discussions surrounding his forthcoming novel.
The meeting began, and the great novelist launched into one of his familiar litanies of troubles: an ink shortage, a paper shortage, marital woes, taxes, and much more. After an hour, the new editor had a look of frustration on his face. Attentive to his expression of bewilderment over the author's endless whining, a more experienced representative of the publisher cupped his hand and whispered into his ear, "Pardon Tolstoy. It's just his prattle you'll get used to."

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Santa Claus

The time had finally come for Santa Claus to modernize his aging operation, so he sent some of his finest young elves off to earn business degrees in the world's greatest universities. Upon their return, they were met with frosty looks from the older elves, who preferred the traditional ways, and feared that they would soon be swept away by the corporate snowblower.
The MBA Elves, as they became known, recommended an update to the traditional gift concepts that they felt were getting a bit tired. To capitalize on Santa's northerly residence and perhaps promote development for exclusive gated communities to be built such that their own properties would increase in value, they had R&D develop a miniature replica of the domicile favored by residents of the frigid Northern regions of the earth. The construction medium, "Crystaloid," was a substance produced from compacted snow, one that was guaranteed by its M.I.T.-trained elf to retain its shape and constitution.
When the first batch of products was finished and boxed, a reviewer from Good Housekeeping magazine came up to grant its prestigious seal of approval. She was escorted proudly by an M.B.A. Elf, whose smug look of satisfaction turned to alarm when she picked up a packaged snow-home and found the box wet. She opened it up and to behold the rounded remnant of ice melting away. Turning to her host, and mistaking his diminutive stature for that of a child, she inquired, "Pardon me, boy. Is that a Santa booboo igloo?"

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The School Band

It seems that a marching band director decided to incorporate some unconventional instruments into his group's performances, and held open tryouts for all students in the school. A variety of students showed up for the opportunity to join the school band, each with a different instrument from outside the standard repertoire.
The director decided to use familiar songs so that everyone could compete at the same time with the same material. The first song up was Yankee Doodle Dandy. As the students followed along, one instrument in particular stood out for its off-key rendition.
The director stopped the performance, and scanned the group to see if he could identify the source of the atonal hum. Thinking he'd spied the offender, but not certain, he inquired, "Pardon me, boy. Is that the flat kazoo that you blew?"

The Sottish Rebellion

On the border between Illinois and Kentucky sat a quaint little town whose seeming serenity belied a growing political rift. The city ordinance forbade the use of outhouses, yet many residents could not afford indoor plumbing. In particular, the town's Scottish clan descendants were adamant that they should maintain their right to excercise their freedoms. Things finally reached a point where the clanspeople formed a militia and stormed the City Hall to demand that their rights not be infringed. Having heard about this uprising, but uncertain which group might be involved in the insurrection, the mayor pointed to a group of kilt-wearing men armed with AK-47s heading down Main Street and inquired of a young fellow standing idly by, "Pardon me, boy. Is that the plaid Paducah loo coup?"

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The Sick Dog

A happy couple whose hubby was a descendent of the great actress Myrna Loy decided that upon settling down in life, they needed a canine companion. They searched high and low for just the right breed. They ultimately settled on a mixed breed known for its low-shedding quality and reluctance to be trained.
All went well until the dog developed a terrible illness, one that resulted in his expelling phlegm and other effluvia from his nose. They finally found a vet who specialized in designer dogs, and took him in for an inspection. The vet found more than one icky substance emerging from the critter's nostrils, however, and was not sure which might be symptomatic of a recognizable disease. To clarify, he pointed to one gob and asked, "Pardon me, Loy. Is that the Labradoodle flu goo?"

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Star Trek

Things had been going badly on the set of Star Trek XXX. The Klingons had walked off the set to protest decades of defamation; the Starship Enterprise needed a new steering wheel; and the Woogies, those cuddly creatures from XXV, were secretly devouring treats from Whitman's Sampler boxes, often refusing to perform unless each could down a box before shooting a scene.
One day, just before a scene, the catering crew distributed the candies to the ravenous rodentia. They eagerly dug in, all but one who began squealing with anger. The director could find no reason for this outburst until he saw that there was one candy missing from the little rascal's box. Mr. Spock came over and tried to explain the illogic of the tantrum, not realizing that the root of all thinking is in the passions. Wanting to placate the furball after Mr. Spock's failed intervention, the director said to the little fellow, "Pardon Nimoy. Is that one chocolate nougat too few?"

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Wine Country

A California wine producer developed such a fine reputation that his peers would greet each new concoction with a new nickname: Chablis King, Duke of Burgundy, and so on. One year he was talked into investing his profits in a weight-loss venture involving a large ring that the users would place around their girth and deploy with a rotation of the hips, swinging the ring in an elliptical orbit.
As a special feature, the ring was advertised as fireproof. Unfortunately, the flame retardent was asbestos, causing the product to be pulled from store shelves. The company folded, and during the bankruptcy proceedings, the wine merchant learned that his business associates had conned him into providing the vast majority of the financing.
Ruined, he took to life in the streets, a fall from grace that caught media attention. His name began to surface in social media as an example of how to lose it all.
Some years later, a bilingual reporter from a Montreal periodical was assigned to do a story on him. As she walked down the streets of San Francisco, she saw a pathetic figure huddled in a doorway drinking wine from a bottle in a brown paper bag. She thought it might be her interview subject, but wasn't sure. To make certain, she cried, "Chardonnay Roi! Is that the Napa hula hoop dupe?"

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